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Farija Rošin, Kako izlečiti duha

Iz zbirke poezije „Kako izlečiti duha“, 2019.

sa engleskog prevela Tara Lekić

zovi me Felisiti

***
Promenila sam ime u Felisiti kada sam imala sedam godina
i živela pored jednog Brajana ili Breda,
oholog matorog muškarca
mrljavog i krivog nosa
koji je ličio na Žerara Dipardjea.

Imao je unuku po imenu Imodžen, i kada sam je upoznala —
tako anđeosku i čistu — kakva samo belkinja može biti,
znala sam da je moram slagati.
Ne bih mogla podneti da pogrešno izgovori moje ime.
Faa-ri-ja? Aaa, kao Ferari?
znala sam da sam previše slomljena da to prebolim, čak i mašti.
Tako sam joj rekla: Moje ime je Felisiti. Felisiti Henson. Moje belačko ime.

Igrale smo se u slepoj ulici kad god bi ona posetila svog dedu, Brajana ili Breda,
pravile se da smo čarobnice u dubini šume, koristile grančice kao šolje, pile travke kao čaj,
pravile krune od cveća i milovale drveće,
kao prave Ćerke prašine.[mfn]Daughters of the dust, nezavisna drama iz 1991. godine koju je režirala Džuli Deš.[/mfn]
Ogrnuta poput kraljice, pravila sam se da sam u svom braon telu, slobodna.

Saznala je da nisam Felisiti jednog jutra, dok sam čvrsto spavala između roditelja, glave nagnute u desno kako sam i zaspala, posmatrajući trouglaste galaksije unutar njihovih noseva. Imodžen je zazvonila i zamolila da se igra sa Felisiti. Moj otac u pidžami, braon koliko braon može biti, nasmejao joj se u lice, otkrivajući istinu. Nema ovde nikakve Felisiti, samo ja i moja haotična, lažljiva guzica.


mnogi opisi za nekoga braon

Beli ljudi ti poručuju da se izvinjavaš za sebe,
kroz gestove, kroz ćaskanje, kroz načine na koje pitaju:
„Odakle si?” a potom, nezadovoljni odgovorom: „Ne, mislim… odakle si zaista?”
ili kako ti kažu da si lepa za jednu Indijku. a ti čak i nisi Indijka.
Klimaš glavom, tvoj osmeh pun razumevanja i slaganja.
Ili kada ti kažu da se ne ponašaš kao Indijka, a tebe briga što nisi Indijka
jer si tako puna radosti što im nisi samo neki majmun koji pleše.
Osećaš da će te prihvatiti, učlanjuješ se u sestrinstvo u kom su svi beli ljudi. I sada ti.
Da će zaboraviti da si braon koliko braon može biti,
dok ne promumlaju nešto o „kariju“ ispod brade dok te gledaju. Ili spomenu Apua, ili imitiraju thankyoucomeagain indijski glas i umesto da ih prekoriš za rasizam i da im bude neprijatno, odgovorićeš (defanzivno) da tvoj otac ne zvuči tako. To je istina, ali trebaće ti godine da shvatiš kakva je šteta učinjena.
Kada vide tebe ali ne i ljudsko biće. Kada vide ne tebe, već stereotip koji su izmislili… belci. Ipak, popiće late sa kurkumom za šest dolara, otvoriće čaivala šop u Torontu, voziće se rikšama kroz Menheten, reći Namaste tokom joge posebno glasno jer su veoma veoma veoma kulturno obrazovani i pitaće: „Šta misliš, zašto je Bangladeš toliko siromašan?“ i bes će rasti poput drhtaja, oluje, smrtnog pojanja, sav od somota, dovoljno velik da razbije iluziju veličine kolonijalizma, i uskoro ćeš konačno razumeti bol suočavanja sa onim što jesi, kao da ti je dušnik iščupan, jer si takve sreće da imaš toliko bogatu kulturu da su je ukrali.

I žalićeš za gubitkom svoje mladosti, zbog dana kada si želela da budeš bela, što si patila kada su te odbijale sve bele devojke koje si volela. I stid će te osvojiti dok ne shvatiš da nije prekasno. Uzdići ćeš se i prihvatiti bol. Prisvojićeš sve što je tvoje, što je oduvek bilo tvoje, tvoji preci će se široko osmehivati preko obala. Volećeš sebe.


nakon gubitka

***
tog dana, odabrala sam sebe
kao što orkestar bira baha. bila sam simfonija,
zaboga. bila sam veličanstvena simfonija —
kako sam to mogla da ne znam?
sve ove godine protraćene u neverici.
mislila sam da poznajem život kao svoj dlan,
bahata u svojoj boli,
ona je moja uteha, moje otrovno utočište.
nisam poznavala milost,
pogotovo za sebe.
ne znam ništa o iskupljenju,
pogotovo za tebe.
ja sam apatrid, pevušim na jutarnjem suncu.


Farija Rošin (Fariha Róisín) je australijsko-kanadska književnica, urednica i multidisciplinarna umetnica. Njena dela objavljivana su u časopisima New York Times, Al Jazeera, The Guardian, VICE, Fusion i drugima, a bave se identitetom kvir muslimanske žene iz Južne Azije.

„Kako izlečiti duha“ (Abrams, 2019.) njena je prva zbirka poezije, o porodičnim traumama, svakodnevnom rasizmu, traženju sebe i najzad, preživljavanju. Autorka je i romana Like a Bird (2020.), koji je pokupio simpatije brojnih kritičara.


Tara Lekić rođena je 1997. u Novom Sadu, gde trenutno pohađa master studije iz francuskog jezika i književnosti. Autor je zbirke pesama Loše žvake (Karlovačka gimnazija, 2016.), a njene pesme uvršćene su i u zbornike poezije Šraf Sve je poezija, 2020. Polaznica je ARGH-ove radionice kreativnog pisanja, i Pisališta kulturnog centra CK13 u Novom Sadu. Prevodi sa francuskog, italijanskog i engleskog jezika.

Autorka naslovne slike: Neda Popović

Povezani članci

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